Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
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Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now