my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
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imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.