[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
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*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Krampus.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*