Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
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My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it