I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
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When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Breaking news:
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.