waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
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How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.