That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
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My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
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urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.