My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth