No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.