Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
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ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
this has done me in for some reason
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues