Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Rather alarming headline…
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
first you must answer his riddles
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Get in loser we’re going crying