Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
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There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
lost dog
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.