my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
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The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?