Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
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Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
ok this is my dumbest yet
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating