The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
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i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles