Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
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Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.