It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
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Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it