Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!