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5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Just why bro?!
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Every work meeting this week
that’s really how it is
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
put ‘er there pardner!
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*