Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
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Oops
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I don’t get marriage
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes