He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
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You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
i- i did not expect this
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito