The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
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*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.