He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
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Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.