Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos