My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
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ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.