Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
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I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
hey, alexa
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie