I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
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A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My purse is deeper than some people.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Seems a bit forward
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.