I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
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Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My Plans 2020
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.