Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
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Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.