[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
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At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
me after eating Cheetos
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?