[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
You Might Also Like
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
<- sleeps well with others
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Breaking news:
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot