Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
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Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?