*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
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Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Always the camel, never the toe.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.