Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
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I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Nice try, NASA
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me