Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
You Might Also Like
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Introverted vegans go meetless
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.