How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
When he asks for feet pics
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.