People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
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interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.