When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
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If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.