*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
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When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
good for her
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song