Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
You Might Also Like
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
#Caturday
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney