Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
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5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Mornin
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
“HELP WITH CAT”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.