ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
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The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
good let them take over I have had enough
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday