therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
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My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many βcheat daysβ I am allowed each month.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother comingππππππ
Me: βHey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?β
5yo: βYeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?β
Me: βNo, weβll go to the pet store.β
5yo: βOh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?β
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldnβt βturn the sun downβ
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000βs and Iβm dead.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Help Wanted
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me π
Iβd use my best pan on you.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.