UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
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Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better