“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
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ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
plums roundup
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.