One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
the last thing a carrot sees
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks