Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
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You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
🌱🌱🌱
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.