After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
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Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it