Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
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Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza