[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
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Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??